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It is exhausting to pretend you're okay with something that gives you anxiety, which you have to do often because you're afraid of the judgement you may receive as a consequence.
It's confusing, you know?
I have worked so hard to build an empire of self-confidence. It started as a little box that looked like this [ ] and over the last couple of years I have filled it with leadership skills, perseverance, dedication, and courage. If you read one of my latest articles, you know I am an ambivert. Being an ambivert with anxiety is like a double whammy- my heart faces a lot of inner conflict as these aspects of my personality overlap, contradict and reinforce one another. I am just beginning ashton married dating to put the complicated pieces together.
But here's the thing. When I looked up "high functioning anxiety" online, I found so many things that do not apply to me.
I am a perfectionist but not in a Type A kind of way. I do not struggle with depression or have a hard time getting through each day. I do not avoid eye contact (remember, it's one of my favorite things), I do not hate making small talk, and I do not isolate myself (unless I'm introverting;).
But I worry. About the future, things I can’t change, the unknown.
I can’t fall ashville dating asleep at night because my brain doesn't know how to shut off (apparently). I put too much pressure on myself to exceed expectations. I have a crippling fear of letting people down. I hate calling for take-out, going to the pharmacy, and navigating huge crowds. I hate driving on the highway, driving to anywhere I've never been, driving in the snow, and driving in the dark. I hate public speaking, I hate taking tests, and I hate when there is too much waiting time because I will think and worry and think some more.
This is what I tell people: if I don't have enough time to let myself think or worry about something and I just have to do it, then I'll do it.
Sometimes I'm able to flip the switch and pretend I can do it until BABAM, see it wasn't that hard.
I just have to pretend it's not.
I know that to get through life, there are times where that is my only option.
And everybody gets nervous about things they've never done before, but then it gets better for them with time. Since I have high functioning anxiety, though, just because I prove I can do something once doesn't mean I'm suddenly cured of all my fears and next time will be an anxiety-free experience.
I just have to keep pretending. It's not about the final product for me; it's all about the process.
I will have you know that I am quite the badass and I am very aware of how capable I am of accomplishing anything I want to- that part of my confident box is at an all-time high. I know I am capable of reading a paragraph out loud in class.
I know that I am very capable of putting gas in a car. I know that I am capable of driving to a nearby place that I've never been to before.
But once I begin to overthink it- and I really can't help it when this happens- it's over. The anxiety may lessen in certain situations over time, but I'm beginning to accept that it's not something I will "outgrow" or that will just stop happening to me.
My anxiety is simultaneously the most inconsistent, confusing, constant, and pressing aspect of my life.
It has made a nest at the top of my brain and contains wispy vines that laugh as they tie around my ankles. Every single day.
If I matched the descriptions and characteristics online, I suppose I could try medication or therapy. But the reality of accepting that as my fate asian and american dating edicate is absolutely terrifying. I'm like in between everything, always, for the rest of my life.
Then I came across the words, "develop a new relationship with your high functioning anxiety".
Anyone that knows me knows how much I love developing relationships. I love to invest in, upkeep, and maintain healthy relationships with other people. They allow me to maintain a healthy relationship with myself. This one I have to do on my own.
It's time for me to develop a new relationship with my high functioning anxiety. One that is kind.
I'm done pretending it doesn't exist when it does. I'm done treating it as a lighthearted joke because I'm embarrassed when people don't understand. I'm done feeling bad about myself when I feel like I can't do something as simple as asking the waiter to give separate checks. I'm done telling myself I won't succeed at something as important as my MTEL tests because I'm letting my anxiety take over. I'm done.
It's time for me to develop a new relationship with my high functioning anxiety. One asia girl dating that is productive.
I'm going to start accepting that sometimes things are harder for me overcome.
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